April 2003 Newsletter
Online Issue # 3
In this Issue:
See also, the print-friendly version of this newsletter (all the
articles are on one web page).
Look for the next issue in August.
The Front Page
The Word is IRRITATION
For me the year 2003 began with a string of especially irritating
personal events. None of the beads on this string was particularly
outstanding (no debilitating accident, major sickness, big failure
or huge catastrophe), but strung together they created a noticeably
downward spiral and a discouraging trend. Given all that is happening
in our world, and given the seriousness of current global interactions,
I feel awkward even mentioning my little irritations. But here goes:
a notice from the city announcing our home’s sanitary sewer
needed repair, two frigid days in January without heat in my third
floor office, a box of reprinted checks that was supposedly lost
but actually never printed, a new retreat that needed to be rescheduled
not once but twice, an obnoxious call from a collections attorney
who had located the wrong person. As you can see, none of this was
that bad. But for some reason each of these events dropped into
my life in a way that produced a direct hit followed by lingering
disruption. It was January in Minnesota, with no snow, and I was
not a happy camper. No, make that: It was January in Minnesota and
war was in the air.
As each event fell into the once peaceful pool of my life, the
charged ripples amplified the tension I already felt. I actually
began watching and waiting for the next dreaded thing. And there
were more, but I won’t bother to name them. Then I began to
feel that maybe I was somehow creating them, and that alarmed me!
I coped as best I could. I talked to friends and hoped to laugh.
I made phone calls and gathered information. I ranted some and despaired
a little. I met a neighbor who received the same “sewer letter”
and together we met Steve, a helpful city employee. I walked along
the river like I always do, and made gingerbread and ate it with
real whipped cream. So there!
My new dismal existence was quickly getting to me because historically
I am an Optimist. But I wasn’t feeling optimistic anymore,
and wondered if maybe this was a new unannounced life phase I had
entered. A friend offered reassurance and humor when she suggested
I could blame the planet Mercury. That honestly helped.
After awhile I began to notice something else. I was settling,
inside. Some of the things that had bothered me still weren’t
resolved, but they bothered me a whole lot less. I actually went
for days without remembering to think about them. And then, when
I did think about them, I didn’t always react in my old upset
way. I suspected I was either becoming detached or growing numb;
either way it felt much better than being reactive.
Then it opened for me! The events were not the irritation. The
events themselves were completely neutral. The frustration I felt
was of my own making. I was the one who turned circumstances into
emotionally charged events. When I allowed them to be just what
they were, neutral events, everything shifted.
Maybe you’ve known this for years and are amused that it took
me so long to discover, or rediscover, this. But maybe you’re
learning it along with me. Or maybe you’re in a refresher course
and learning it again, too.
Maybe you were fired or laid off, or you lost the appeal. Or your
car’s engine has a “major-major” problem. Your retirement
plan is shrinking. You weren’t accepted into the program. Your
special order was never shipped because it vanished. The bus route
you rely on is in danger of being eliminated. The special plans
you made months ago fell through. The list is infinite and holds
the possibility of being infinitely upsetting. As well as irritating,
frustrating, discouraging, disappointing - - you name it. Like me,
you could spend too many miserable moments focused on something
you only wish would resolve itself - - RIGHT NOW AND IN THIS WAY!
But it probably won’t. It’ll hang there in your life
for awhile, maybe even for a long time. But as soon as you remember
it’s a neutral event, it becomes a neutral event. And you do
what you need to do and you move along, and you no longer feel intense
personal discomfort. When all the imaginary arguing subsides, and
all the scheming goes by the way, what’s left is so amazing.
You notice the quiet that so generously fills up the empty places.
It doesn’t have to be “right” for you to feel whole
again “right now”.
Maybe this time you can’t control circumstances and you know
it. Maybe this time you’re not only changing, you’re being
transformed.
With gratitude,
Laurie Mattila
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